and by "hot" i mean it's all i think about these days.

 "my tas are huge"

 "my tas hurt."

 "my tas need to feed kaye."

 "my tas feel funny."

 "i need to take my tas to the doctor..."

 and that's where we are right now.

i have no clue what the hardest part about this whole pregnancy/parenting journey has been so far, but it certainly wasn't the pushing her out. it also seems like each new adventure we encounter seems like the hardest thing i've ever done.

so right now i'm very focused on this breast feeding thing. people...breast feeding is freaking hard. at least for me it has been.

there's the first two week period when you're pretty positive your nips are going to fall right off. and if they don't fall off your bebe is going to suck them off.

there's the constant rubbing of nip cream on them. then they recommend you let the nip cream air dry so you're walking around naked from the waist up constantly. that sucks. trust me...this is in no way attractive or sexual or awesome for my farmer. in fact...i feel really bad for him.

but then magically, just like that, your nips stop hurting and you think, "boom...i've totally got this. i'm practically a professional."

this is where i was very very wrong. i lived in about a week and a half of this blissful state of mind.

pump the brakes on the "bliss-train." i developed what we all assumed was a clogged duct. i got the fever. i got the chills. i got the painful ta. i got the antibiotics. i started the massaging. i nursed in every position imaginable. i called the doctor nothing shy of 20 times.

as it turns out, it was NOT a clogged duct. it was NOT mastitis. it's something called a golactocele. what's a golactocele? click here.

what can you do for a golactocele? 100% nothing. and it's painful. and it hurts. and it's painful. and it's all i can think about.

so now i'm riddled with the decision of:

1. continue to nurse and deal with the pain. or...

2. have it drained on a regular basis only to run the risk of introducing bacteria which could cause a nasty infection which could mean removal of milk duct and force me to stop nursing.

3. stop nursing altogether which will cause my body to absorb the milk in the golactocele. i'll still have the cyst, but at least it won't be painful. ideally then the milk duct would scar up and shut down on its own. this would mean i wouldn't encounter this issue with the next bebe. but at the same time, it might not scar and then i would be guaranteed a golactocele with the next bebe.

bit of a conundrum, wouldn't you say?

so let's make the decision to stop thinking about my tas and start thinking about all the amazingness we get to look forward to:

1. we're going to a FABULOUS holiday party tonight. do you remember last year's party? it was before we had a bebe and before i had to think about who was going to watch my child and before i had to think about how much i could drink. it was fun. read all about it HERE.

2. i'm eagerly looking forward to finishing up my christmas shopping. now that kaye and i have a better schedule established and my farmer has been a saint and let's me go to bed at 9pm so i can bust out a solid five hour stretch of sleep...i'm a lot less of a zombie and a lot more of a bossy mom. this all means i'm feeling more and more like myself and motivated to bust out this christmas shopping business.

speaking of christmas shopping - farmer and i thought we would get a jump start on the christmas shopping a few weeks ago. whilst at our local REI i headed in one direction and farmer took miss kaye to browse. not but five minutes later i set out looking for them and this is what i found...

my bebe laying on a bench while farmer shopped for ski boots. that farmer of mine...he's the best. i laughed pretty hard.

3. we're hosting christmas at the farm! our very first tree!

4. and to top it all off??!! two of the most fabulous people i know are getting MARRIED on new year's eve. this means we get to ring in the new year at a fabulous party, with fabulous friends, and celebrate these two amazing people, shower them with love, and probably make some bad decisions in the process. this will be our first full night away from miss kaye. right now i'm excited...when we drop miss kaye off with my parents i'll probably cry. we'll see how it all shakes out.

aren't they beautiful? aren't they lovely? i 100% cannot wait to celebrate with them.

happy holidays you fine people...i'm going to start prepping for the par-tay tonight. yes, it takes about seven hours to accomplish anything these days.