some point in time all you fine gals will probably have a baby. or maybe you won't. but you probably will.

since i'm practically an expert in this department (i've had one), i thought it might be fun to share my top 10 tips for preparing for baby and once baby arrives.

allow me to preface this:

this list is a list of opinions, not advice. think about it. don't think about it. i don't care. but above all, if you have something mean to say regarding it...keep it to yourself. sticks and stones break bones...and words can hurt too. plus i'll talk bad about you.

let's talk about it. when you're getting ready to have a baby...shoot...after you've had the baby, people do not hesitate for a moment to give you advice or tell you all about their experience. 

i'm the very very very worst at this. i find myself spewing my stories to anyone who will listen at the drop of a hat and only reflect after the fact that...perhaps, they didn't want to hear about the two inch hole in the side of my boob because of breast feeding. perhaps.

regardless...i have some words to share that i hope to remember the next time i have a baby.
1 | my friend said it best: epidural or no epidural...a baby is coming out of there. don't sweat the small stuff. because in hindsight...whether or not you got the epidural or stuck to a "birth plan" is a hell of a lot more trivial than raising a happy, healthy baby.

2 | in the hospital, if your postpartum nurse is worth her salt, she will give you an icepack. put that sucker on your vag for like...ever. or at least until it melts or isn't cold anymore. then ask for another one. and another one. and then seven after that. 

3 | you will most definitely be scared to go #2 after pushing your little miracle out for at least a few days. that's okay. while you're on the to yourself. positive accolades. anything you can do to relax will help this process. 

4 | you're probably going to have to wear pads for least a week. maybe two. maybe more. this sucks oh so much. my only regret is that i didn't take more of the giant pads and those super-sexy, mesh panties home with me. 

5 | thoroughly get to know your infant carseat like it's your very very best friend. because if you take it into the hospital to have them inspect it and the straps are tangled...they are going to look at you/question whether or not you should be taking your two-day old home. not a good feeling and a lot of nervous laughter.
6 | when you get home, expect to be sitting on your fanny for at least a month, probably more. you know what, sit down as much as you possibly can. because once that kid starts crawling, you're not going to sit down for years.

7 | when kaye was a newborn my biggest fear as a new mom was that i wasn't stimulating/educating/playing with/whatever with her enough. what the eff-word was i thinking? those first few months are optimal time to read 40-hundred books and watch as much trash tv as possible. because guess what...your baby will be sleeping. probably on you. i just hope, for your sake, a new season of RHNJ is starting up...or a marathon of some sort.
8 | try to bribe, pay, coheres someone into cleaning your house for you. like...the stuff you hate. bathrooms, windows...that sort of thing. because you'll be busy with your new muffin and STILL have to do the floors, dishes, counters, dusting, etc. and it's not like you'll never wash the windows again. this is prime-time to talk someone else into it. 

9 | you will never feel so passionately about (fill in the blank). for me it was kaye's sleeping and eating. farmer and i never disagreed on anything more (except for maybe that pocket door he insisted on in our bathroom). i was absolutely obsessed with her eating and sleeping. if someone tried to eff with that could count on me irrationally (or rationally sometimes) projecting anger your way. so whether you're passionate about diaper changes or the clothes they wear, you'll eventually calm down a little...or a lot. and then replace it with new stuff to be crazy about. 

so husbands...just deal. your gal will return to a lesser form of crazy soon enough. 

laides...own your craziness. 
10 | last but certainly not least...take care of yourself. a lot of people told me to, "sleep when the baby sleeps." i say, "eff that noise." when kaye would take her 20 minute naps as a newborn i certainly wasn't going to waste those precious minutes on shuteye. i mean, if that's your thing, then do it. but for me it was much more healing to do stuff without a baby in my arms. like make a sandwich. maybe take a shower and put some earrings on. shoot...i may have even put on real clothes once or twice. 

what i'm saying is...make sure you get some time to yourself to reset. it's good for the soul. plus you'll be that much more excited to kiss your sweet muffin's face off. 

happy monday friends!